Daydreaming

I find myself daydreaming, more than usual.  I think 'what if' and fantasize about what could have been or what could be.  Sometimes I feel stagnant within my soul.  I'm happy on the outside, but sometimes I find myself drifting to another place.  I can't really pinpoint where that feeling comes from.  Maybe it's the change in seasons.  Warmer weather is creeping into the air and I'm getting that summer itch.  Our windows haven't really been open very long and I feel couped up.  I'm ready to wear summer skirts and strappy sandals.


I daydream of warm weather, warm grass, and super duper sunny days where the sun sends prickly heat sparks along my sunkissed skin.  I can smell the warmer weather from the ground.  The dirt is fragrant and I can smell the grass growing.  There are still no leaves on the trees, but there are blossoms blooming on other trees.  And if I was blind, the birds, crickets, and bull frogs would let me know that the seasons are changing.  Spring is in the air and summer cannot get here fast enough.
 
I've taken some time away from blogging.  Not because I don't have anything to say, but because I've taken the time to reflect.  To daydream. 
 
I've been reading books a lot more and I'm finding my daydreams have been catapulted into these books.  The Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich.  If you haven't read them, well, all I can say to that is, why haven't you?  They are light, easy, quick reads.  I am reading them 1 book a week.  It's honestly, very entertaining, in the fictional sort of way.
 
After reading three Stephanie Plum stories, I'm taking a quick break to read The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  The Help is a very different story from the Plum series, but as equally entertaining, and I cannot get enough.  I'm finding myself constantly thinking about the book I'm reading, plus many more that I want to sink my eyes into.  I cannot read fast enough.  It's sort of horrifying at how hungry I am for it. 
 
I like to daydream at the library.  I take my lunch break from my other full time job, the one that gives me a paycheck, and I like to get lost in my library.  I wander the shelves and scan the titles, the authors, the covers.  I look for something to jump out at me.  I look for something that will transport me to another place, another time.  Fiction or non-fiction, it doesn't matter to me.  I usually read memoirs, those are my favorite reads.  But lately I find myself looking on any shelf.  Eleanor Roosevelt's Biography or Frommer's Disney World with Kids? 
 
I cannot wait to daydream.  I'm finding myself looking for time to daydream, and how long can I get away with daydreaming without it disrupting my actual life?  I enjoy my real-time life, but this daydreaming business has become just that:  business or hobby.  Would I be able to write that on my resume?  Avid daydreamer.
What do you daydream about?  And do you look for different ways to daydream too?

Week 4! The turning point.

I'm starting to get nervous with this couch25k plan.  The runs are now at 3 and 5 minutes each.  5 minutes doesn't sound like much, but gosh, I sometimes feel a train wreck could be thundering through the walls when I'm pounding on the treadmill for 3.5 minutes. 

I've learned I really need to take it slow.  Really slow.  I know my speed will advance over time.  I don't want to burn myself out in this process, because honestly, I'm enjoying the run.  It's solid, and it keeps my head clear.

It won't be long until I can take a run outside.  The weather here in NH is still chilly and I don't need to attempt any heroic measures by slipping and sliding along the icy patches in my neighborhood.  I have a treadmill sleeping in my basement, waiting, and anticipating some love. 

If you haven't taken a look at the couch25k plan, let me just say this.  It won't be long until the plan has me running for 10 then 20 minutes at a time.  I'm kinda freaking out about that idea.  I feel like someone is twisting my arm making me do this.  The truth of the matter is, nobody is making me do anything.  I made up my mind to continue this 5k journey and plan to follow through with it too.

Speaking of that, the registration that I had hoped to get in the mail over the weekend is, well, still sitting in my bag.  I have got to get that mailed, pronto!  April 2nd will be here soon enough, and of course, I'd like my free t-shirt for registering too.  Apparently only the first 200 registrants receive a free t-shirt.  Donations: $20.  Aahh, I guess I can get it done.  Tomorrow?

So in the meantime, I've made this commitment to take a jaunt on my treadmill for 30 minutes every other day.  That's 3-4 times a week, depending on the week.  I'm sort of scared to take 2 days off in a row, in fear I will lose any motivation I have now.

The bottom line is, I'm at week 4, and I do plan on continuing through to week 9.  I'm in the halfway point in this journey, and to be honest?  I feel great.  I really do.  I even have noticed pants have started fitting differently and was more ambitious the other day and bought two new pairs of pants.  In a smaller size too!  Buying clothes for myself rarely happens.  I find more joy in shopping for my son or for household items.  So I actually had a hard time shopping the other day.  The stores I used to shop at were, sort of, too expensive now considering I have a kid to support and a house to maintain.  My budget for me is very slim.  So the stores I usually browse through were left for me to browse and no buying power.  I resorted to a clearance section in a department store and found my two pairs of pants for $15.30 total!  Crazy, right?  I feel giggly just thinking about it.  Nevertheless, it was a treat for reaching my halfway point.  I deserved it.  At least I think so.

My Balance. My Run.

I've begun Week 3 on my new commitment.  I'm attempting to complete the couch25k program.  I'm actually impressing myself because just 3 weeks ago I could barely run for 30 seconds.  But as I start my third week, I'm actually running 3 minute intervals.  What?! 

The voice in my head says, Seriously, what are we doing here?  Kind of like what Randy says on A.I. as he's judging the squealing contestant.  But my body feels ready for this and I follow my gut and lace up my Asics and get moving.

I'm still taking it slow.  I don't want to go to fast and get so winded I need to stop.  That's typically how I work out.  I'm an all or nothing kind of girl and if I'm in it, I'm in it to win it.  But I know my boundaries when it comes to running.  I've learned my lessons over time and realize, I really enjoy this and want to do it right.

I met with my Dr. today and of course the question came up: Do you have time to exercise?  And for the first time I could confidently say: YES!  I was really excited to tell her what I'm doing and she was even more thrilled to hear the news.  She was so encouraging that I felt like a kid on Christmas morning.  Weird, I know.  But that's what running is doing for me, it makes me that excited, I just want to go out and enjoy the day, hear the birds, listen to the wind through the trees. 

I have to wait for all that organic noise though.  Who am I kidding, it's winter here and we have about 24 inches of snow outside at the moment, not to mention our neighborhood streets are a mess and there is just no way I'm about to twist my ankle for the sake of mother nature.  She'd be the one laughing at me anyways.

So I stick to my treadmill.  It's okay for now, and doing the job at keeping my pace the same.  I can tell I'll need to adjust the incline or increase my pace soon.  Soon.  I feel myself getting anxious on getting there.  I know this is a journey and I need to process each stride in that way. 

I throw in a DVD of S&TC and since those shows are a half hour, it works out perfectly for my 30 minute run.  Of course I have to constantly be checking the time on the treadmill because I'm still early in the program where the run/walk intervals are close together.  So every 2 or 3 minutes I need to switch the speed.  Somehow it helps make my time on the treadmill seem productive and not boring.  Not to mention I get to watch Carrie and her girlie's in NYC.

I'm already looking into signing up for my first 5k.  I've filled out the registration form, now I just need to write the check and send it in.  Eight more weeks and hopefully my confidence will be ready.

Just a thought.

Just a thought about the shoes I bought.
These shoes are sneakers and they're made to go far.
How far will they go? 
What will they show me?
Who would've thought these sneakers would give me strength.
They guide me and allow me to push past my fears.
Those fears are gone and all that's left inside
Are notes of glitter in my eyes
As I peer down the road that will lead me
To the pace I set for myself and I circle around
Inside my head these thoughts and visions come to no end.
It's just a thought about the shoes I bought.

Pound the pavement

In an attempt to balance my mind and my soul, I've decided to dust off my running sneakers and hit the roads.  Although, the roads are completely covered in ice, salt, sand, and snow.  Luckily I do have a treadmill collecting dust in my basement.  I've missed being able to pound the pavement, but over the past four years, a lot has been going on. 

Four years ago I accomplished my first and only 5k road race.  It was quite exhilarating, and I haven't really experienced anything like it since. 

So what's been going on in four years?  I got married, bought a house, had a kid, and have been trying to find my new balance in life.  I'm not one to exercise daily, weekly, or at all.  I go with the flow.  It's not the best course of action for my health and wellness.  My doctor is clearly aware of how immobile I am.  My two year old keeps me quite busy for the moment, and that seems to have been doing fine for me lately.  But now, I need something more.

I need something for my sanity.  Something that can help me focus on one thing and one thing only.  I have tried Yoga, but that doesn't really get me focused like others say it does for them.  My mind wanders too much.  So when I run, excuse me... when I jog, it's different.  I am forced to focus on my breathing.  I know that for every two strides, I am exhaling and inhaling.  My feet hit the pavement and I'm in a trance.  One two, breath in, one two, breath out.  Honestly, if I don't focus on my breathing, I have a bad habit of holding my breath, or losing track of my breathing.  So badly that I get horrible, painful stitches in my sides to the point where I have problems catching my breath.  I don't want to over exert myself, so this is why I start my runs with complete concentration on my breathing.  After some time, I don't even notice it and it becomes second nature to me.   But I know what I need to do.  It's just a matter of doing it.

I recently learned about a program for people like me.  It's called: couch 2 5k.  It's a 9 week program and you work on it 3 days a week for 30 minutes.  I think I can do that.  So I looked at the detailed schedule and it actually seems doable, and since I have a treadmill it's even more inviting that there is a treadmill routine.  Perfect!  So I've printed the schedule and I'm excited to start ASAP.

Eventually I'd like to tackle a 5k again.  I'm interested in doing a couple, but my goal is to do at least one.  So for now, I have 9 weeks of prep work to do.  I'll let you know how it goes.

What about you?  Are you an avid runner or walker?  Have you registered for a race before?  Or is the idea too overwhelming? 

I want my Mommy...

I usually hear this around the time my son wakes up from a nap or very early in the mornings.  Either I or my husband will stumble upstairs to check on him.  Usually he needs help with his blanket and he's back to sleep.  But every time I hear I want my Mommy, my heart aches.  Literally.  Those four words make my chest ache.

My son is going through a Mommy phase.  My husband and I took a weekend vacation a couple of weeks ago and ever since we've been home I keep hearing those four simple words.  It's a simple request.  The kid just wants his Mommy.  Just my presence in the room is reassuring for him.  He's only 26 months old and as often as he tells me to leave him alone, he needs me just the same.

I'm sure it's healthy for him to go through this phase.  But how do you move through this fear that's embedded in his brain?  I take every chance I have to spend quality time with him.  I have even notice he wants to snuggle with me more, or find me down the hall in another room.  The first few days from being back from our vacation, he wouldn't let me out of his sight, and even sat on a stool in the bathroom while I took a shower.  He didn't mind.  He was with his Mommy.  And he waited very patiently while I finished showering too.  Surprisingly, I'm learning the amount of patience he has for me.  However, there are a few boundaries considering he goes to daycare everyday and every morning when I say 'See you soon!' he's standing there sobbing.

So how do I move forward?  Simple.  Just live today like everyday, and hope that tomorrow will get easier.  But those four simple words would be forever etched in my heart.

A New Year

It's been a year since I started this blog.  I'm still not sure if I have much direction with my blogging.  But it is what it is, and it's me.  Sometimes I'm all over the place, and this blog will justify that.  So a new year begins and I've taken a small leave of absence from the blogging world.  I haven't read any blogs, posted any comments, or updated in a while.  I'm okay with that.  I'm enjoying our holidays, and the new year.  But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about those other blogger's, those who blog every day.  I have thought about them, almost daily and look forward to catching up on what they've been up to. 

But for now, I'm living in the moment.  I suppose that's my New Year's resolution.  Although I don't believe in resolutions, but if I were to have something on my list, that would be it.  Living in the moment is important to me.  Sometimes it means putting the camera down and enjoying a morning with my 2 year old son.  Sometimes it means leaving the computer off and shutting my phone off.  Even if it's for a day, it's important to me to reconnect with myself. 

I don't connect with my self very often because I'm finding I'm too busy, being me.  Scattered, forgetful, yet constant and reliable.  My New Year is a time to reflect on what matters most.  We spend so many days at the end of the year planning to do this, and to do that, it's hard to see what is happening now.

I had a week off from my job, and I took it one day at a time.  Sure I had plans, but they were light plans and anything could have changed if it needed to.  But the life of work was put on hold.  I needed that moment to pause and enjoy the minutes I had to rest, laugh, eat, and play. 

It won't be long until my days are in full swing with my old routines.  But for now, I feel like I'm still on vacation.  I'm definitely not ready to jump in head first with the New Year, because I'm committed to remembering what matters most to me.  Taking one day at a time will help me through that.  So for now, I purposely waited on writing my first post of the New Year until now.  I'm working on nurturing my soul and if you need me, that's where you can find me.  Now off to get another cup of tea! =)

What were your New Years resolutions?  Do you make any?

Sleeping-less

I don't consider myself a light sleeper, however, if I get woken up I have a hard time falling back to sleep. 

My son has been waking up lately, and usually my husband toggles upstairs to unwind the blanket from the kids body and reposition it down.  Within minutes the two of them are back into the respective beds and I'm left there wide awake.

Did you know we are geese in our home?  Or at least just one goose?  That's what I listened to while laying awake at least 3 hours last night.  I was awake from 1:30-4am.  At least the last time I looked at the clock it was 4am. 

I refuse to get out of bed and I try to keep my breathing still.  Slow deep breaths help my mind, and heart, relax.  Sometimes it helps me drift back to sleep.  But other times, that silly goose wakes me again!  Do I dare tell my husband he snores like a goose?  I think about waking him, and instead I try to move the covers away from him.  Just enough to stir him into the other direction.

Nothing seems to be working.  So I quickly float up to our spare room and hunker down into the cool sheets of the empty bed.  Immediately I feel better, but I know it will be a while before I actually fall asleep.

I do fall asleep but I don't remember how long it took me.  I realize my husband will be wondering why my alarm is going off, and I'm not there.  Shortly after I have this thought, I hear footsteps down stairs.  He's looking for me.  I know my alarm has gone off and it'll be a matter of minutes until he realizes I've relocated myself. 

Of course he thinks I'm mad at him for something he must have done.  I'm too tired to give explanations so I just say that I needed to sleep.  He's now really confused and leaves me to take a shower.

Our son hears his Daddy in the bathroom while showering and he sits in his crib in the room next to me.  Daddy... Daddy... Daddy... He's saying it softly in a sleepy voice.  He becomes quieter and eventually he stops.  Figuring he fell back to sleep, I make my way back downstairs to shower and prepare for our day.  I need to somehow find the energy to move forward, when all I want to do is sleep another five minutes.

Maybe I can catch up on some sleep later tonight.  Maybe I can go to bed early?  Unless the kid wakes us up again because he's gotten himself twisted in his blanket... Only one could hope he'll figure it out on his own.

Until then, I collect our lunch, dress my boy in his snow boots, coat, hat, and mittens, and shuffle out the front door.  The cool, 10 degree, December air immediately wakes me up.  Suddenly I have an extra bounce in my step.  I hold my sons mittened hand and we walk down the steps together.  He points to the birds and talks about the sky.  His energy somehow will make me get through my day.

The Star

We picked our Christmas tree this year and it wasn't from a field where we had to cut it down ourselves.  I would have preferred that.  Instead, I made the compromise with my husband and agreed to buy a tree pre-cut.  Except we didn't go to the local store to buy one, we ventured to our local greenhouse and picked one there.

I know they were more expensive than what we would have paid if we were to cut our own, but I felt I was helping support our local community.  And they even gave us a 4.5 inch poinsettia plant.  All-right! (raises hand with a whoop)

We loaded the tree into the car and the three of us buckled up and headed home.  We were eager to start decorating, or trimming.  I grew up decorating, while others know it as trimming.  Either way, the job gets done and you can feel the festivities creep into your home.

We let our 2 year old son help decorate the tree by being part of the family train.  My husband would unwrap the ornaments, hand them to our son, then he'd walk them over to me.  He was careful to hold onto the hook or string.  And he was very careful.  Although he was also careful enough to examine each piece.  He grew tired of the decorating because his real excitement was for The Star.  He didn't understand that we waited to put The Star on top of the tree at the end.  He wanted to do it first.  But we wanted him to know that it was just as special as he had wanted it to be and we'd let him put The Star on at the very end. 

The Star eventually made it to the top of our tree.  It made his heart sing.  Afterwards, the three of us took a step back to admire our Christmas tree.  And then we made a family hug together.  My son was living in the moment and kept saying Again... Again... So there we were, giving a group hug repeatedly in our living room in front of our Christmas tree.  I'm sure if there were any neighbors walking their dog outside, they would have wondered what the heck we were doing.  But it was a moment that will last in my mind about our Christmas this year, and it's a reminder about what's important to me.

While The Star makes my sons eyes twinkle, I will remember the warmth from the simplicity while adding a decoration that I have taken for granted.  The holidays can be just another day to some, but not in the eyes of a child.  There is just too much magic in the air, you cannot ignore its purity.

Traditions

As the holidays are quickly approaching, I'm finding myself trying to slow down the holiday buzz.  The holidays have crept through the radio with songs, into the tv commercials, onto drive-thru coffee cups, and of course inside the stores. 

Today is the first of December and I am not ready to take off my turkey themed table cloth.  Yet, I wish I had bought my Christmas tree yesterday.  I'm eager to share the holiday cheer with my son but I don't want to overload him with the experience either.  We'll get there, but I'm dragging my feet on decorating the house.

I'm meddling with a few ideas on how to keep traditions alive and would also like to start new traditions.  I'm feeling overwhelmed with the idea of traditions and, really, wish I could do it all.  Maybe that's why I'm hesitant about diving in head first. 

I feel like there's not a lot of time for the holidays.  As fast as they come, they're gone too quickly.  We need to make time to enjoy a hot cup of coco and soak in the holiday cheer.  There's always something to be greatful for and it would make for a great advent calendar to pick one word that describes what we're greatful for, today.

Today is December first, and after visiting my doctor for a physical, I am greatful for my health.

Is it worth it??

Since becoming a Mom, a lot has changed in my life.  A lot of good things seem to have blossomed in my life.  Since becoming a Mom, I have reflected on who I am, and how I want my son to know his mother.  I want to be a role model for him, and I would like him to have his first memories of me be solid memories about things we did together, or how he remembers my personality.

My first memory in my life is when I turned 2 years old.  I remember playing in my bedroom and my father walking down the hallway to tell me there was a surprise for me in the kitchen.  I remember toddling down the hallway (it was a split entry house) and into the kitchen, I climbed up into my metal high chair.  There was no tray and I could sit right up against the table.  On the table sat a small plate with a chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting, and two candles.  My mother and father sang Happy Birthday to me and I blew out the candles.  I asked them where their cupcake was, but my mother said they weren't having any.  My mother turned and went back to doing the dishes and my father went back into the living room to watch tv.  I am an only child so there I sat and became very upset with my parents.  I wanted to share my cupcake with them.  It was my birthday after all, right?  But my special day didn't seem so special at that moment. 

That memory is so vivid, it's like it happened last weekend.  This happened over 30 years ago and today, my son is a week from turning 2.  I am struggling with how to portrait his future memory of his special day.  My husband and I have been talking Birthday Party talk all week long and my son is truly excited.  He cannot wait, and realistically, he has no idea what's in store for him.  The one thing that worries me is that part of this party will be a memory he'll keep forever, so I'm so stuck on the fact that I need to make sure I make it a good memory! 

My son has made me his rock, he has learned he can give me a hug anytime he pleases, yet he will clearly tell me No if he doesn't agree with me.  I like that about him and I hope he continues to show his independence. 

Unknown to me, my son has become my rock.  My son has added an extra hop in my step and extra pep in my personality.  He's made me feel stronger about my opinions and more vocal about my decisions.  My son has taught me to make quicker decisions and I've learned how to stop being too passive.  After all, I have a kid who needs someone to have his back, keep him healthy, and support his every move.  He's not yet two, so he really needs me just about 98% of the time.  And I don't mind that.  I enjoy being his rock, he's my soul. 

So when it's time to speak my mind, I do it.  I want to be the mother who is willing to stand up for her kid, any time.  My son deserves that.  He's turning 2 very soon and I feel I need to make a good impression on my son.  Call me crazy, but I am haunted by my own 2 year old memory.  So yes, he's worth it, even if I have to fight for it.

What are your earliest memories?  And do they haunt you too?  Have you made irrational decisions in order to become a better role model for your kids?

Eyes

I recently received a new pair of glasses.  I've owned glasses for a few years now, but I rarely wore them.  I wasn't blind, and I felt I could make due by squinting.  It really wasn't an issue.  Until I couldn't squint hard enough, my vision remained blurry. 

I find that I don't need my glasses while sitting at my computer while working.  Although I do feel my eyes are feeling strained, I can still see clearly, so I assume that strained feeling is associated with sitting infront of the computer screen for 9 hours a day.  It can create quite the headache.

I like the glasses, although this picture is kind of goofy.  I felt awkward taking a picture of myself while sitting at my desk.  I find myself putting them on throughout the day because I do wonder if I should be wearing them more often than I am.  At least to try and eliminate my headaches.

I find a huge difference while driving lately.  I cannot believe I was driving around without them.  Even though I knew where I was going, I really wasn't seeing where I was going.  Scary.

Gender considerations

I have a 23 month old son.  He's been my life since the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I didn't know I was having a boy until I was about 20 weeks pregnant.  My husband and I decided to find out.  It was our first baby and we needed to know.  We clearly didn't care what we were having, boy or girl, we were happy just the same.  So why did we need to know the gender? 

My husband needed to know more than I did.  I was happy with all sorts of gender neutral baby clothes, toys, and decorations.  A baby is a baby, right?  Blue and Pink don't really make the baby, it's the love, home, and warmth that a couple brings to a new persons life. 

But we decided to find out the gender.  We considered this was appropriate because we wanted to be prepared.  We wanted to know the name of our child before he or she was born. 

However, once we found out the news we'd have a boy, nothing changed with the plans of our future.  We still decorated the baby's room with green walls, white furniture, and a silly Muppet theme.  No bears, sports, dolls, or frills.  To me, we decorated a gender neutral baby room.  I decided once our son arrived, we'd make adjustments according to his personality. 

Ironically, we haven't had the need to change much, but we've added more 'fun' to his room.  At 23 months old he does in fact know the characters of the Muppets.  If we had a girl, I'm sure her love for the silly characters would be the same.  (I grew up loving the Muppets, particularly Animal).

The only difference in how we've raised our baby is the fact we have no dollies, no strappy dress shoes, no barretts or pony tail elastics.  I feel our gender neutral home is just that, simple and equal.  And the fact that our son does like the color pink doesn't mean he wears the color, but enjoys drinking out of a pink sippy cup.  It's a color after all, not a life style.  We color in pink and he even enjoys watching Dora the Explorer.  To me, there's nothing wrong with that, but to others, they may raise an eyebrow as to 'why'.

I don't ask Why, but Why Not?  Why Not let my son have an interest in anything and everything?  We can play kick ball or base ball, then color pink hearts and flowers too. 

I'm sure when and if we have baby #2 there will be more changes and more gender considerations.  Will we find out what baby #2 will be?  Or will we decide to wait it out until the baby is born?  It's a real personal decision and I'd like to think people would respect any decision an expecting parent would make.  To justify that someone needs to know because they want to buy clothing or a toy isn't enough of a reason for me. 

Yes, I have a son.  He's my child, my kid.  I hope that by the time he's my age the world will have developed a different outlook on gender.  I can only hope that society will encourage kids to listen to their heart and gut, and not what others say or think.

Flying Solo

At the end of the day I feel good.  I know my son and I can find the patience for each other and tackle each speed bump together.  He's not quite 2 yet, but he thinks he's a smart cookie.  Well, he is, but I'm biased. 

For the next four weeks, except weekends, my son and I will be doing what we do without his Daddy.  He'll be away for work and it's really the first time since our son was born that he has a commitment like this.  But it's okay.  We'll make it okay. 

My husband does the morning wake-up routine with our son.  This includes getting him up, change diaper, dressing for the day, and coming downstairs to settle him onto the couch and flips on the Disney channel.  After handing some milk to our son, he's set for the time being while I get myself ready and pack lunches. 

Daddy is missed.  Terribly.  Morning 2 had my son asking for Daddy before he could even see clearly after waking up.  I explain that Daddy had to leave early and he gave a smooch while you were sleeping, he loves you.  The comprehension of a 22 month old is limited, but I know he can understand simple facts. 

So it's not often my son and I get to spend so much solo time together.  It almost feels like he knows he is just with me and is not being so two-year-old towards me.  It's nice actually.  I haven't had any breakdown moments with him.  For the most part, he's been very well behaved.  (knock on wood)

Granted, we've only made it through the first week.  My husband drives home today and come Monday we'll be saying bye again.  My son won't understand this schedule, but I'm sure we can manage.  We'll find balance together.

Disheveled

I'm feeling disheveled today and I'm not sure why.  I am hoping my vitamins help me feel balanced.  But I just took those and I'm sure it'll be a while before I feel better.  The vitamins are organic and probiotic, and I'm excited to feel the benefits.  I ordered them online and will post later once I have more to say about those.

I feel like a rag doll.  The clothes I picked to wear today feel old, worn, floppy.  It's just some linen/cotton pants with a sweater.  In fact, I rarely wear these particular clothes.  But now that I'm wearing them, maybe that's why I rarely wear them.  They make me feel ick.

A shopping spree would be nice.  Would be are key words here.  Most of my shopping sprees are saved for groceries and things needed for my 22 month old son.  I don't mind that my priorities fall in that direction, in fact, it's my choice for it to be that way. 

So I never, ever, okay not ever, give clothes away.  Sometimes I do, sometimes.  But mostly, if you were to look through my closet and storage, you will find clothes from 10 years ago.  There are clothes that I haven't worn in 10 years.  So why do I have them?  Because there are moments where I just can't bring myself to doing laundry (pathetic I know) and I find myself looking for pants or a top that I haven't even worn in I don't know how long.  Scary.

But I don't mind.  Nobody knows this.  Unless someone is reading this and may wonder the next time you see me, how old are those clothes?!  :)

I feel it's no different than shopping at a consignment store, or a yard sale.  Granted, I don't buy myself clothes at either of these stores for the simple fact, I have too many clothes already.

So today I will allow myself to feel disheveled.  I parked my car, scrubbed a few swipes of blush on my face (I rarely wear any makeup so this is the extent of what I would wear), rolled some lavender on my wrists and hoped for the best. 

A Role Model

Merriam-Webster defines Role Model as: a person whose behavior in a particular role is imitated by others.

Wikipedia says: The term role model generally means any "person who serves as an example, whose behaviour is emulated by others"

Since I have had my son, I've had more time to ponder what type of parent I'd be for him.  Sure, I'll love unconditionally, encourage, and teach him as much as possible.  But there are many things I won't be able to provide, and it's those things that I often think about the role models that are in his life.  What type of person will my son grow fond of and look up to.  Other than his Mom and Dad, there will be many people that will come in and out of his life, but I know there will be a select few that will take hold of his heart, and blend into his soul.

My 22 month old son is still learning to speak, but he has no problems speaking with body language.  I have also learned he is a very cautious person, sometimes shy, but not shy enough where he enjoys joining the crowd of kids to play with toys.  I am convinced that as he grows, so will his desire to reach forward at lifes treasures.

When my son was 5 months old, we had him baptized.  We selected godparents too.  These people are family members that are important to us, as parents, so we hope that they'll be just as important to him. 

I'm committed to nurturing the connection of positive people in our lives.  It's hard, sometimes, to keep connections growing, but sometimes the work is easy.  Sometimes it's easy to lean on others no matter how blustery life can be. 

22 months later

22 months ago my life changed dramatically, for the better.  We've had our ups and downs, but when we have our downs, we're never there very long.  You have brought a new balance to my life.  You have introduce a side of me that I never knew existed, I think only you could have taught me who I am. 

I have learned so much from you in the past 22 months.  22 months!  I am still in shock at how blessed I am to have you in my life.  I sometimes hold my breath and think, this must be a dream.  How could something so unique, so passionate, so real... be all mine, to share with the world.

I cannot wait to introduce you to our world.  To show you life's challenges and triumphs.  You are 22 months old today and I have cherished every moment we've had, and will soak up our future.  You are my son and I love you to the pit of my gut. 

200th Post

I just realized this is my 200th post.  Crazy!  I started this blog at the beginning of the year with intentions of sticking to this blog, my so-called-journal.  I wanted to write about being a mother and talk about what mattered most to me. 

I'm sort of a private person, I don't particularly jump into a conversation about myself.  At least not with someone I don't know very well, or at all.

I've 'met' a lot of different people through their blogs.  There is a lot of inspiring folks out there.  I feel like blogging is still new to me and I have a lot to learn.  But the one thing I have learned about myself since starting this blog is that it's okay, and anything goes.  The intention of this blog is for me and not anyone else. 

Sometimes my focus changes, as do my routines.  Life fluctuates and I suppose there is a natural tendency for change to happen daily.  If you allow that change to happen.

200 posts doesn't seem like a lot, but when I look over the past 9 months, it's almost a lifetime ago when I started this blog.  It's been a fun journey and I am looking forward to what tomorrow brings.

Feeling naked

I forgot my cell phone today.  It's still on the charger at home.  I don't forget it often, so when I do, I feel naked.

There are a few essential things I require when I walk out my front door everyday. 

1) my kid
2) my keys
3) my phone

Any of these things missing makes me feel lost.  Or naked.  I need to know where they are at all times.  Sometimes my 21 month old son likes to play with my keys, lock the car doors, and hide the keys in the house.  Okay, he may not hide them, but drop them next to the toy he saw after he was done playing with the keys.

My phone is another item of mine that my son likes to use.  He pushes the buttons and squeals when he sees his picture on the screen.  Sometimes he calls the last person I had called.  The last time he did that, it was my boss.  OOPS!  Luckily when I asked my boss about it, he wasn't in the office at that time. 

I really don't like feeling tethered to my phone, but it has become an essential part of my human existence.  I don't use it alot, but I need it.  If I don't have it, I fear that will be the moment my car breaks down on an unused side road.  (Why would I be driving down a road like that in the first place??)  It's still my fear.

MY down time

I don't get much down time like I used to... before having my baby.  That definition of down time is something I can't even remember.  The down time I have now is something very special.  So special because I rarely get enough down time to realize I'm experiencing a down time moment. 

It usually takes me almost a whole hour to realize I'm in a down time moment.  By the time I've unwound, emptied my thoughts, check my email, or clipped my nails, I realize I could have enjoyed my time doing something else. 

There should be a list of down time actiivites I should know off the back of my hand.  Things that I know I can do when I have a spontaneous down time moment.  But I'm sure that list would be misplaced or fallen under the refrigerator. 

Some things I'd like to do during my down time would be: read, take a walk, paint toe nails (haven't been done in a year!!), sit on the porch to soak up some sun, or take a bike ride (haven't rode my bike in over 4 years!).

Ideally I'd like a minimum of 30 minutes of down time a day.  This 30 minutes would have to be an hour before I fall asleep on the couch too.  I have a tendency to realize I should have ME time when it's close to bed time.  I value sleep way too much to encorporate an activity before bed.  So lately, sleep has become my ME time.  Yes, sleep.  However, lately, I haven't been sleeping that well.  I've been waking up in the middle of the night for whatever reason (too hot or a nightmare) and cannot get back to sleep until a couple of hours later.  So maybe starting a routine of 30 minute ME down time would help me feel balanced.

So what do you do during your down time?  DO you have down time?  Do you have to schedule your down time into your life?  Or are you like me and realize you're doing something ridiculous during the time you could have spent using for yourself?