I was never an over achiever. Never a go getter. I basically just do what I need to do to get by. I don't know if this is something I inherited or something I have learned over the years.
My grades in school were always B's and C's. My theory was, why do I need an A if a C will be just as good? I didn't see the benefits. So that attitude has carried through to my life now. It sounds silly, I know.
I work full time, Monday through Friday, yes 8-5. I have an okay job. It's not something I saw myself doing. In fact I never visualized the kind of job I have. I don't know why.
I always saw myself as a hands on kind of worker. I like seeing results. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something. What I do 40 hours a week is not a hands on kind of job. But I've been doing the same thing for almost 6 years! What have I done to myself?
I don't want to go into what my resume looks like, but when I think about the details, I have a hard time recognizing me. Have I lost myself along the way? I took this job thinking, oh I'll be here for a year or two. Then what? I look back and my intentions were not about staying long term. But where would I go or what would I do?
I feel like I'm at a crossroads again in my life, but with a family this time. This last time I felt this way was when I was 25. Oh the quarter life crises saga... Did anyone else go through that? I certainly did. And I thought I wouldn't experience that again until I was, oh, maybe 50.
My passion is with my family, my kid. But I need an income. I need this balance in my life, but where will it come from? I've been swirling ideas around in my head and some ideas excite me. Ultimately, I haven't found my missing link. It frustrates me and then I plug along until the urge strikes me again.
Well I guess my urge is back and I'm even considering going back to school. (Sshhh... I don't want to say it too loud.) Until I know I can commit to something. But what class would I take? I suppose I have to think about that some more.
I do want another baby in a couple of years, and that is important to me. So whatever happens, needs to be accommodating to my family. I need to be able to focus on them, but also have a job that doesn't have a grey cloud.
Perhaps my current job would be different, if the economy wasn't in the slump it's in now. I think the industry I'm involved with is suffering and we're trying our hardest to keep treading. But I know that when I come to work and it's hard for me to smile and say g'morning, I think I have a problem. My dreams at night are even portraiting my possible future. I suppose it's time to really delve into this because I'm missing the passion.