Missing the passion

I was never an over achiever.  Never a go getter.  I basically just do what I need to do to get by.  I don't know if this is something I inherited or something I have learned over the years. 

My grades in school were always B's and C's.  My theory was, why do I need an A if a C will be just as good?  I didn't see the benefits.  So that attitude has carried through to my life now.  It sounds silly, I know.

I work full time, Monday through Friday, yes 8-5.  I have an okay job.  It's not something I saw myself doing.  In fact I never visualized the kind of job I have.  I don't know why. 

I always saw myself as a hands on kind of worker.  I like seeing results.  It makes me feel like I've accomplished something.  What I do 40 hours a week is not a hands on kind of job.  But I've been doing the same thing for almost 6 years!  What have I done to myself? 

I don't want to go into what my resume looks like, but when I think about the details, I have a hard time recognizing me.  Have I lost myself along the way?  I took this job thinking, oh I'll be here for a year or two.  Then what?  I look back and my intentions were not about staying long term.  But where would I go or what would I do? 

I feel like I'm at a crossroads again in my life, but with a family this time.  This last time I felt this way was when I was 25.  Oh the quarter life crises saga... Did anyone else go through that?  I certainly did.  And I thought I wouldn't experience that again until I was, oh, maybe 50.

My passion is with my family, my kid.  But I need an income.  I need this balance in my life, but where will it come from?  I've been swirling ideas around in my head and some ideas excite me.  Ultimately, I haven't found my missing link.  It frustrates me and then I plug along until the urge strikes me again.

Well I guess my urge is back and I'm even considering going back to school.  (Sshhh... I don't want to say it too loud.)  Until I know I can commit to something.  But what class would I take?  I suppose I have to think about that some more. 

I do want another baby in a couple of years, and that is important to me.  So whatever happens, needs to be accommodating to my family.  I need to be able to focus on them, but also have a job that doesn't have a grey cloud.

Perhaps my current job would be different, if the economy wasn't in the slump it's in now.  I think the industry I'm involved with is suffering and we're trying our hardest to keep treading.  But I know that when I come to work and it's hard for me to smile and say g'morning, I think I have a problem.  My dreams at night are even portraiting my possible future.  I suppose it's time to really delve into this because I'm missing the passion.